Part 1, Episode 19: "Comings and Goings"

Father Ferret continued to hover near death for a couple of days, and a noticeable pall had descended upon the Farnsworth campus. Conrad finally called Gretchen in to his office and asked, “What is the deal with Father Ferret?”

“What do you mean,” she replied.

‘I understand that he was the first mascot here,” Conrad said, “but the way people are acting, it’s like he founded the place. I’d expect that if the Old Man were sick, but not a former mascot.”

“Oh, so no one’s told you his story yet, huh? Meow,” Gretchen said.

“No,” Conrad said.

“Well, if you’ve got a few minutes I can fill you in,” Gretchen offered.

“Please do,” Conrad said. “I’m all ears.”

“Sure,” Gretchen began. “Julius Rosencrantz, AKA Father Ferret, enrolled as a student here when Farnsworth opened its doors eleven years ago. He was studying pre-law.”

“Can I insert a joke here?” Conrad said snidely.

“I wish you wouldn’t,” Gretchen admonished. “We didn’t have any sports teams that first year but plans were underway to start an athletic program in the second year. Mr. Farnsworth held a contest among the students to find the best possible mascot for the school.”

“So Fighting Ferrets wasn’t his brainstorm?” Conrad said.

“He added the fighting part, but no, ferrets came about as a result of the contest,” Gretchen said. “There were at least a couple hundred entries, and they pretty well ran the gamut from traditional, you know, lions, tigers and bears…”

“Oh my!” Conrad interrupted.

Gretchen glared at her boss for a moment and began barking. “Are you going to let me finish this?” she asked with a very peeved tone.

Conrad sat back in his chair, hunched down like an admonished little boy. “I’m sorry, Gretchen,” he said. “Please continue.”

Gretchen stopped barking and resumed telling the story. “As I was saying, the entries into the mascot contest ranged from the traditional to the downright weird. One guy came up with “The Fire.”

“That doesn’t seem so strange,” Conrad said.

“Not on the surface,” Gretchen agreed, “but it turns out he was just a pyromaniac who was looking for an excuse to set things on fire. He nearly succeeded in burning down the gymnasium during tryouts. Anyway, it came down to ferrets and aardvarks.”

Conrad stared at Gretchen for a moment. “You’ve got to be joking,” he said. “What kind of drugs was the committee on?”

“There was no committee,” Gretchen said. “It was solely up to Mr. Farnsworth. He was going through a divorce at the time, I think it was his fourth, I lose track, and we weren’t quite sure what medication he was taking.”

“Aardvark?” Conrad asked.

“Mr. Farnsworth obviously liked the idea of having a unique mascot,” Gretchen said. “He considered aardvark because that would put our school first alphabetically on any listing of college mascots. So anyway, it came down to Julius’ ferret and Andy Aaron’s aardvark.”

“Was Andy any relation to Hank Aaron,” Conrad asked, unable to stop himself from yet another smart-ass remark.

“Funny you should ask that,” Gretchen replied. “Andy told everyone he was a distant cousin of Hanks, but no one really believed him. That ultimately hurt his chances of gaining Mr. Farnsworth’s approval.”

“Why did people doubt him?” Conrad asked.

“Mainly because Andy was white,” she said. ‘Yes, it was still possible he was related, but no one really bought it.”

“So what finally swung Mr. Farnsworth to pick the ferret,” Conrad asked.

“It was really more like he picked Julius than his falling in love with the ferret,”
Gretchen said. “Julius somehow got a ferret suit made for him, one that looks a lot like what Freddie wears now.

“Any idea why he wanted to be a ferret?” Conrad asked.

“I think it was something about him having one for a pet as a child. The story goes that he really loved it, but it got run over by a pet supplies truck.”

“Can’t escape the irony there,” Conrad interrupted.

“Anyway,” Gretchen said after a deep sigh, “There was something about him that was hard to describe. He really seemed like the embodiment of what school spirit should be about. Julius was the most enthusiastic person anyone could remember every being around. Mr. Farnsworth felt he would be the perfect person to become the face of the school.”

“So he went all around town like Freddie does now?” Conrad asked.

“Even more so, if you can believe it,” Gretchen said. “In a very short time, a public event wasn’t worth the effort to put it on if Father Ferret wasn’t there. He did everything from new building dedications to birthday parties. He was everywhere, and everyone loved him.”

“Was he called ‘Father Ferret’ then?” Conrad asked.

“Yes, he was,” Gretchen replied. “From the start, Julius was simply magical with little kids. That’s where he’s a bit different than Freddie, who is more comfortable with other adults. Julius loved kids, and they loved him right back. There are students on campus now that enrolled here in large part because they remember Father Ferret playing with them or hugging them or just carrying on like a nut and as a result they grew up wanting to come to the school with the Ferret.”

“Wow, talk about a genius stroke of public relations,” Conrad said.

“It sure was, and it’s a tradition that Freddie carries on very well now,” Gretchen said. “We’ve needed to keep the focus on the Ferret given the lack of success our sports teams have had and the occasional indiscretion from Mr. Farnsworth.”

“Well, did Julius mentor Freddie?” Conrad asked.

“He sure did,” Gretchen said. “Julius was the Ferret for two years, but he knew he would never make it into law school without giving his studies full focus during his final year. He told Mr. Farnsworth, who then found Freddie. Julius taught Freddie the ropes for his first year, then left Freddie on his own when he went off to law school.”

“Did Freddie try out for the spot like Julius did?” Conrad asked.

“I don’t really know how Mr. Farnsworth came up with Freddie,” Gretchen admitted. “It was like all of a sudden he just appeared on campus in the ferret suit. No one I know of has ever seen him without it or even knows what his name was. He’s just always been Freddie Ferret.”

That was true enough, Conrad thought. Freddie didn’t just play the role of the ferret; he WAS the ferret.


That evening, Conrad entered his suite following his stop at Galaxy Burger shortly after Freddie had returned from another visit to Father Ferret, who was still in intensive care at Johns Hopkins. “Hey Freddie,” Conrad greeted him. “You want to go out and throw down a few and try to get your mind off things tonight?”

“I’m not sure I would be very good company,” Freddie said.

“That’s okay, I can be charming enough for both of us,” Conrad told his friend.
Freddie smiled at hearing the familiar line. While he was considering the invitation, Conrad’s cell phone rang. John Smith was on the other end of the call.

“Hey boss, are you in the middle of anything?” John said excitedly.

“Not really,” Conrad asked, fearing there was another disaster for him to clean up. “What’s up?”

“I think I’ve found your bowling team,” John said.

“You found an entire team?” Conrad asked incredulously.

“Yep,” John assured him. “Can you come down to Town Square Lanes and check them out?”

“Yeah, why not,” Conrad said. “They are prospective students, aren’t they?”

“Yes sir,” John said. “They’re going to Midville Community College this semester.”

“That’s encouraging,” Conrad replied. “I’ll be right down.”

After hanging up the phone, Conrad turned to Freddie and asked, “You want to come along with me and check out some prospective bowlers?”

Freddie did not immediately jump at the opportunity.

“They’re young ladies, you know,” Conrad said.

“Let’s roll,” Freddie said as he jumped to his feet.


Conrad and Freddie arrived at the Town Square Lanes on the other side of the tracks. No really, they had to cross railroad tracks to get there. Anyway, Freddie’s arrival caused quite a stir, and Midville’s favorite celebrity passed through the throng of bowlers hugging the ladies and shaking the men’s hands. They found John Smith waiting for them near the far end of the bowling center, waving at them like he was trying to land a plane.

“Alright John, here we are,” Conrad began, “where’s the bowlers.”

John pointed to the pair of lanes immediately in front of them. There, wearing identical pink bowling shirts with “Midville Beauty Center” in black script on the back were five identical looking girls.

Conrad and Freddie stood and stared for a moment, and Conrad felt his jaw drop slightly. John, pleased with the dramatic impact, said “Gentlemen, I give you the McNulty quintuplets; Jan, Jean, Jen, Joan, and June.”

“Well, I’ll be damned,” Conrad finally managed to get out. He looked up at the scores being flashed overhead and saw that the quints were destroying their competition, “Barney’s Bail Bonds.” “What kind of averages are they carrying?” he asked.

“They’re all in the 180’s,” John replied. “They’ve been bowling since they were eight, and they’ve got a bunch of trophies they won along the way in different age-group tournaments. They might be pros somewhere down the line.”

“Are they interested in a college education?” Conrad asked.

“Oh yeah,” John replied. “They’re going to Midville Community College now because that’s all they can afford. They’re all working part-time to pay for it while they still live at home.”

“This would really be something, quints on the same college team,” Conrad said, considering the possibility of the Ferrets’ sports program actually receiving some positive recognition in the media.

“That’s what I thought, sir,” John said. “Look, they’re finishing up their final game. I asked them to stay around afterward so you could meet them.”

“Sounds good,” Conrad said. “Freddie, let’s grab a seat and watch them finish up.”

Conrad, Freddie, and John sat together and watched the McNulty quints finish up a sweep in their match. Conrad couldn’t help but notice how cute they were. All five girls were blonde, between 5’ 5” and 5’ 7” with average builds but, unlike so many young girls these days, they had curves.

Conrad’s mind raced, imagining their pictures on calendars, posters on the walls of teenage boys all around Midville. He imagined them posing in a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue in the section where they featured attractive athletes. Look out, Anna Kournakova, here come the McNulty quints!

The girls finished up their match and, seeing Freddie sitting with the others in the snack bar, squealed with excitement and rushed to meet him. “Oooh, Freddie, you’re so cute!” Jan said. Or was it Jean? Maybe it was June. Could have been Jen. Perhaps it was Joan. Could we please have them wear name tags if they’re going to be in this story, would that be too much to ask?


By the time 7:00 came around the next evening, Conrad was wrung out. It had been a fairly quiet day at work and John Smith was moving along full steam ahead on drawing up the paperwork to offer financial-aid scholarships to the McNulty quintuplets, pending NCAA certification of the Farnsworth bowling team as a varsity sport. There was no change in Father Ferret’s condition, although his time on earth still appeared short.

Conrad had been bothered all day by muscle spasms below his left shoulder blade, but what had really weighed on his mind was the meeting scheduled with Camilla that night. He no longer thought of her as his wife, rather, as his future ex-wife. She had bailed out on him and took their daughter 3,000 miles away from him, effectively extinguishing the final dying embers of their marriage.

What Conrad had found out since then was that, despite the pain his marriage had brought him, he still desired female companionship. How else could he rationally explain his attraction to the stupid football coach just because he was dressed in drag? He still had trouble thinking about that little escapade.

It would be several more months before a divorce could be finalized, but Conrad did not want to wait that long to restart the romantic portion of his life. It may be all for naught, he may not find anyone that tickled his fancy, that he truly wanted to be with, but he knew he wanted the door to be open just in case.

That was the mindset with which he approached this meeting with Camilla and their attorneys at the Baltimore firm of Rabinowitz, Fine, and Sheckel, Camilla’s representatives. “That controlling bitch would have to have ‘home court advantage,’ wouldn’t she,” he thought. She hadn’t even bothered to bring little Connie cross-country with her, making it clear she wanted to spend as little time in Conrad’s presence as humanly possible. They had agreed to meet to tie up any remaining loose ends and establish the framework for their divorce settlement, making the final hearing after the required 12-month separation a mere formality.

When Conrad arrived, Camilla and both attorneys were already in place. He had
under estimated the flow of traffic along Interstate 70, and it was nearly 7:15 when he entered the meeting room. Camilla, impatient as usual, was visibly annoyed but said nothing. Not hello, how are you, nothing. Conrad’s attorney, Myron Lebowitz, began the meeting by reviewing the terms he and Camilla’s representative, Ira Finkelstein, had negotiated.

Conrad was pleased that there were no surprises as they went through the arrangements. Their house would be offered to the current renter after his one-year lease expired. If he declined the option, it would be put on the market with Conrad and Camilla splitting the receipts. There would be no alimony and, since Camilla made significantly more money than Conrad, he would be liable for only a token child support payment. In exchange for that, Camilla was not obligated to bring Connie back to the east coast at any set time. Conrad would have to take the initiative and bear the expense of traveling to California to visit her.

The final item discussed did catch Conrad by surprise. Camilla had requested a stipulation that both parties were free to have any and all levels of involvement with members of the opposite sex short of marriage during the separation period without penalty. He was all too happy to accept this, and the meeting ended with all parties signing the document and the attorneys leaving the room.
Conrad stood up and stared across the table at Camilla, who was quickly gathering her belongings and ready to make a quick exit. “So you’ve found someone else, huh?” he asked.

“Why do you say that,” Camilla responded coldly.

“You wouldn’t have agreed to that clause if it wasn’t in your interest,” Conrad said. “You’d leave me hanging if you didn’t already have your next victim picked out.”

“He’s a good man who meets my needs,” Camilla said, still not looking at Conrad. “He adores Connie, and she has taken to him very well.”

“You didn’t waste much time finding a replacement,” Conrad said.

Camilla looked sternly into Conrad’s eyes and said, “The position has been vacant for some time. I finally had the opportunity to fill it with a qualified person.”

Conrad was reeling internally from that vicious blow, but was determined not to show it. “Goodbye, Camilla.”

She turned and headed out the door. Without looking back, she said, “Goodbye, Conrad.”