Part 1, Episode 2: "Introducing Freddie Ferret"

“Well, what do you think?” Conrad asked. The question was directed at his childhood pal, Nick Petrocini. Both Baltimore natives, they had known each other since sharing classes at Our Lady of the Eternal Virgin school in the sixth grade, and their mutual love of sports led them to develop a fast friendship. They quickly became inseparable and stayed that way through Our Lady of Perpetual Desperation high school and graduated together from Edgar Allen Poe University.

Conrad stayed at EAPU to begin his career in the athletic department while working on his masters in sports management. Nick went to law school at nearby Loyola College. Since then, Nick has often served as a de-facto agent for Conrad, who reciprocated with free passes to any EAPU games Nick desired. That pipeline was now sealed off, but Nick was still willing to look over the contract that Conrad dropped off at his house Friday night. Now, on Sunday afternoon at their favorite watering hole, “The Ravens Nest,” Conrad was asking for Nick’s feedback.

“Aside from this six-month salary holdback, everything is pretty straightforward,” Nick replied, “no tricks, no strange clauses. It does clearly state that you will be terminated if you don’t have at least one of the teams on track for Division I within six months from date of employment. How are you going to pull off that trick? Bribe someone? Sleep with someone? Sleep with several people?” Nick saw Conrad tense up and look away. “Hey, I’m sorry I struck a nerve. I know YOU don’t play that way. All I was trying to say is I just can’t imagine how you are going to meet that ridiculous time frame.”

Conrad reestablished eye contact with Nick and said, “I understand what you’re saying. If I told you I had a plan in mind of how to do that, I’d be lying. I’m just hoping I can pull a rabbit out of my hat before the deadline.”

“Well, what do you know, I sittin’ across from freakin’ David Copperfield! So tell me, Dave, why DID you breakup with Claudia Schiffer?” Nick asked.

“She was too needy. Plus, she always wanted me to eat salads and vegetables. She crossed the line and I had no choice but to show her the door,” Conrad replied.

“Are you crazy? I would have eaten bugs and dog poop to get a shot at her.”

“I’m sure your wife would just love to hear that.”

The laughter following that exchange momentarily broke the tension. It had become standard operating procedure over the years for one of them to make a wise-ass remark when the two friends were dealing with serious issues.

“Really, Conrad, what are you gonna do? The Fighting Ferrets?! Aren’t they like little weasels? Have you ever actually seen a ferret?” Nick asked with genuine concern.

Conrad responded, “I figure, worst case scenario is I keep the job for six months, hope things have somewhat blown over and that I made enough headway there to land a semi-decent job afterwards and start over. At least I’m still in my field and I know what I’m doing.”

“I know you’ve got you’re act together, I just wonder if anyone else there does. I don’t care how good you are or how hard you work, you can’t do it all by yourself,” Nick added.

“I did for a while at EAPU,” Conrad contradicted.

“Yeah, and look where that got you!” Nick blurted out. Conrad said nothing and became immersed in the Orioles game being shown on the big screen. Nick thought this would be a good time to shut up, watch the ball game, and sip on his beer.

Before meeting Nick, Conrad had checked out of the “Beltway Express” motel which had been his “home” since his wife had evicted him from their house a few days ago. After leaving the Ravens Nest, Conrad made his way back down I-70 toward his new digs. As he returned to the Farnsworth campus, he was relieved that this time he knew how to find his destination. A map showing where to find his accommodations had been included in the package with his contract.

“Farnsworth sure hadn’t thought there was much of a chance he would turn down the job offer,” Conrad thought as he traveled through the beautiful campus. Part of him felt like Superman in the old 1950’s TV show when the bad guys had kidnapped Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen for the umpteenth time; he knew it was a trap but what choice did he have but to go rescue them? Conrad could not shake the feeling of being set up for failure, but what other options did he have?

In his moment of despair, Conrad looked to the heavens for a sign. He quickly found one, the familiar golden star of his favorite eating establishment in the world. There had been many times in his life that the sight of a Shooting Star fast-food joint had turned Conrad’s frown upside down, but this one was totally unexpected.

The sign was outside the school’s student union, where upon entering he was astonished to find not just the home of the Star Burger but a full-blown mini-mall. There was a grocery store, a drug store, a newsstand, several apparel and accessory shops, a bank, and several chain restaurants and fast food joints.

Farnsworth had told him there were unlimited resources, and this facility was a clue that this philosophy applied to the students as well.

As he sat and devoured his double SuperStar Burger (two quarter-pound patties) combo with no cheese, only ketchup and worked on his second diet cola refill, he sat back and observed the activity around him.

He had traveled to numerous big-time campuses during his years at EAPU and saw students in countless settings. The level of activity, the attitude and look of the students, none of it even remotely resembled the Podunk school he had been expecting. In this small snapshot of campus life at Farnsworth, he saw scenes that could have been at any large school where students were returning for the new semester. The atmosphere seemed charged with a confidence, even an excitement, of people who truly wanted to be there, not ones who had chosen Farnsworth University as a last resort. Hopefully, Conrad thought as he departed the student union, you can tell a book by its cover, at least this book.

Content with the familiar feeling of a SuperStar Burger rumbling through his digestive system, Conrad headed toward his new room. He wasn’t going to call it home, since he still felt his was back at the house he was chased from in Owings Mills, but it would hopefully be an upgrade over the motel. Conrad found the building where he would be staying and became confused. The map had led him back to the administrative building where he had met Farnsworth two days ago. He walked around the back and found the door he was looking for, the one with the distinctive “FF” symbol the map said would mark his room.

After fumbling with the key, Conrad opened the door to the suite and flailed around to find a light switch. Once he found one and flipped it on, he let out a blood-curling scream. “Oh my God, what is that?!!!” he shrieked. His eyes were focused on what looked like a giant hamster wheel near the far wall of what he supposed was the living room. The wheel appeared to be large enough to accommodate a six-foot tall man. Then he thought it would also work for a six-foot tall hamster and felt his blood run cold.

He stood transfixed by the wheel and felt a tap on his shoulder. He jumped and turned around to find himself face-to-face with what looked like a six-foot tall weasel. “Oh my god,” Conrad screamed, “what are you?!” Overcome with confusion and no small amount of fear, he dropped to his knees and held his head in his hands. He wondered if he had walked into a gigantic weasel cage! Or perhaps the wheel and weasel were their normal size and he had been zapped with a shrinking ray, like Superman’s enemy Braniac used to capture the Kryptonian city of Kandor and keep it in a bottle.

Conrad closed his eyes, still on his knees, and shouted, “God, I know I’ve been drinking a bit extra since I lost my job, but I really didn’t think I had drank THAT much! I’m sorry God, I’ll go back on the wagon, just make this stuff go away!” After a moment, Conrad struggled to his feet, opened his eyes, and found that both the wheel and the weasel were exactly where he had last seen them. “Oh God, you’re killing me here. My mind was the only thing I had left! Jooop! Jooop!”

Then, just to top things off, the weasel spoke. “Hey pal, it’s OK. You must be Connie. Welcome.” Oh great, Conrad thought, Farnsworth has a giant weasel as his Welcome Wagon representative. The weasel continued, “Mr. F told me to expect you tonight. I’m Freddie Ferret and we’ll be rooming together for a while. Glad to have you buddy.”

Conrad stared at him and his extended paw for a moment and sought to say something intelligent. Instead, he said, “You can talk?”

“Sure pal,” Freddie responded. “Under this fur exterior is a flesh and blood person just like you.” Not quite like me, Conrad thought. “Are you the mascot?” he asked, managing only a slightly more intelligent question.

“I’m more than just a mascot Connie,” Freddie said proudly, “I’m the face of the Farnsworth Fighting Ferrets.”

“Conrad, please call me Conrad,” Conrad said, beginning to pull himself together. “I’m sorry I went all bonkers on you, but I wasn’t expecting anything like this and I’ve had a rough few days.”

“That’s OK pal. I just figured Mr. F would give you the heads up. I guess this was his way of having fun with you. He can be quite the kidder.”

This little stunt made Farnsworth’s Pollock jokes seem like high-brow humor to Conrad. “Could you point out where the men’s room is? I REALLY need to go.”

“It’s over there on the left. Take your time, relax, and then let’s hang out a bit and get to know each other,” Freddie said, his good humor not even slightly dented by Conrad’s psychotic episode.

“Yeah, relax. Sure.” Conrad said, still in somewhat of a state of shock. He staggered into the men’s room and sat down on the toilet. “I don’t know whether I’m being filmed for an episode of The Twilight Zone or Candid Camera. This just ain’t right!” Conrad thought. “I’m working for a total nut job and living with a talking ferret. And what’s the deal with the wheel. He’s not a freakin’ hamster, he’s a ferret. Wait a minute, he’s not a ferret-he just dresses like one. Is that better or worse? If he were a talking ferret, it’s not like he would have a choice in how he looks. But if he is wearing a ferret suit, he must have decided to do that at some point. Where do you buy a ferret suit anyway? I’m sure you don’t just get one off the rack at Wal-Mart. Would Freddie wear a size 2x or 3x?

Conrad, having taken care of his business, stood up and slapped himself hard, once on each cheek (on his face, people, on his face). He then looked into the mirror and made a final attempt to gather himself. Unaware of how much time had passed, he washed his face and went back out to the living area. Freddie had been waiting patiently on the couch and stood up when he saw Conrad finally emerge.

“Freddie, I’m really sorry,” Conrad began. “I’m usually not like that when I meet new people. Of course, they usually aren’t wearing a ferret suit, either, but that’s beside the point. Can we start over?”
“Sure!” Freddie replied. “Have a seat. I’m sure you have a bunch of questions, so fire away.”

“OK,” Conrad began, “why are you wearing the suit now. Did Farnsworth put you up to that to startle me?”
“Oh no,” Freddie shook his head, “I wear this all the time. I don’t just dress up as a ferret. I AM the ferret, the Farnsworth Fighting Ferret.”

“All the time, huh?” Conrad asked as he pondered that fact. “I guess you have trouble getting dates then, don’t you?”

Freddie burst out laughing. “Conrad, I am the BFOC. Nobody can keep up with me.”

“BFOC?”

“Big Ferret On Campus, man. I am a babe magnet. I’m not talking female ferrets either, pal. I’m talking about girls with big luscious lips and nice firm…”

“I get it, I get it!” Conrad interrupted. “BFOC. All right then, what’s with the wheel?”

“Good question. Mr. F got that for the original Farnsworth Ferret. We call him ‘Father Ferret.” Mr. F wasn’t up on his ferret facts then, he got us confused with hamsters and gerbils. But it’s great for exercise, not to mention a real conversation piece when I have guests. Would you like to give it a spin?”

“No thanks, I pretty sure I’m not up for that tonight.”

“Suit yourself. Hey, would you like some background on the folks that work for you.”

“Sure,” Conrad replied. “Anything I can use to get a leg up on things would be very helpful. Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it. After all, we’re teammates now. I’ve got your back, pal.”

By the time the evening was over and it was time to retire to bed, Conrad had come to believe this strange dude in the ferret suit actually would have his back. They talked for hours, covering much more than the school’s athletic department. Conrad was able to spill his guts to Freddie, telling him all about the events that had led him to this point, things he hadn’t even told Nick.

As they were talking, Conrad realized just how much he had needed someone to open up to. He was still very skeptical about Freddie and the “babes”, but after today he was more open to strange possibilities than at any other time in his life. He also thought he had a handle on the group of knuckleheads, morons, and otherwise impaired people staffing the Farnsworth athletic department.

As he prepared for bed, Conrad would focus on his furry new friend Freddie and drift off to sleep. Tomorrow, however, he feared he would begin to learn how a hamster felt running around in his wheel, expending a lot of energy without getting anywhere.