Part 1, Episode 20: Digging Deep

Still stinging from the harsh words from Camilla, Conrad returned to his suite and found Freddie sitting in the dark, staring at a blank television screen.

“What’s wrong, Freddie,” Conrad asked, suspecting he already knew the answer.

“He passed away a couple of hours ago,” Freddie said somberly, referring to the demise of Father Ferret.

“I’m really sorry buddy,” Conrad said, trying to console his friend. “I know he meant a lot to you.”

“He sure did,” Freddie said, still staring at the television. “He sure did.” Freddie then snapped out of his semi-trance and turned to Conrad. “How did your meeting go?” He asked.

“Well, I got what I wanted in the agreement, but it was still tough,” Conrad replied.

“Did you and she exchange words?” Freddie asked.

“Yeah,” Conrad sighed. “If you could make money as a ‘bitch-for-hire’ she’d get rich.”

Conrad joined Freddie on the couch and they both sat silent for a few moments.

“Look, this isn’t going to do either one of us any good,” Conrad finally said. “Let’s go out, throw down a couple of brewskis, and get some stuff off our chests.”

Freddie pondered that suggestion for a moment, then stood up and said, “You know what, you’re right! Let’s get out of here.”

Conrad drove them to “Chaps and Spurs” which, on a Wednesday night, was fairly quiet. Most of the customers there that evening were focused on the baseball playoffs, which held little interest for either Conrad or Freddie. Would the Yankees win again? Neither one cared.

They sat down in a corner booth and began sipping their first beers. Conrad then said to Freddie, “Tell me about Father Ferret. Gretchen filled me in on who he was to the school, but why do, er, did you feel so close to him?”

After contemplating that question for a few moments, Freddie began. “I guess she told you that he mentored me for a year before he went off to law school.”

“Yeah, I know that part,” Conrad replied.

“Well, Mr. Farnsworth knew my family from some business dealings he had with them, and he had suggested that I come to Farnsworth U to pursue my education. He told my folks he’d look after me. Not long after I began my freshman year, he called me in to his office and suggested that I take Father Ferret’s spot as the face of the school.”

Conrad again noticed that Freddie never referred to himself as a mascot, and correctly so. He was much more than that to Farnsworth. He was more like an ambassador in the community.

“I thought he was nuts,” Freddie continued. “I was real introverted, believe it or not, and just couldn’t see myself jumping around at the games, much less making the kind of public appearances that Father Ferret did. Mr. Farnsworth wouldn’t take no for an answer, though, and he can be a real persuasive dude. He assured me that Father Ferret would work with me during my first year, and that I wouldn’t just be thrown into it.”

“So you two really connected that year, I gather,” Conrad interjected.

“Oh, it was much more than that,” Freddie said. “As he got to know me, he found a person buried inside me that I had only dreamed of being. Once I put on this suit, I was free to find out who I really was. It turns out, I’m a hell of a guy!” Freddie said, extending his arms for effect.

Conrad grinned, smiling for the first time that evening. Freddie continued, “Father Ferret showed me how to come out of the shell, no, more like a prison that I had built around myself. He showed me that, inside this suit, I could start over and remake myself into the person I really wanted to be but was always steered away from.”

“What do you mean, steered away from,” Conrad asked.

“My parents were overprotective. No one I knew growing up really encouraged me to do much of anything. I wasn’t part of any group of friends, which is like a living death for a teenager. So I just sort of drifted off by myself, marking time.”

“Then you put on the ferret suit, and everything changed,” Conrad added.

“Absolutely!” Freddie agreed. “It wasn’t overnight, but by the end of that first year I became the furry gigolo you know and love today. Once I got out and around people, I realized I really loved it. Not only that, but for the first time in my life, other people really enjoyed having me around. I love feeding off that energy! If it wasn’t for Mr. Farnsworth pushing me into it and Father Ferret showing me the way, it never would have happened. This life I have now, and that I’ve had for over seven years, I owe to both of them, and now one of them is gone.”

Freddie’s voice trailed off, and the two sat quietly for a few minutes. Freddie then turned to Conrad and asked, “So, tell me about your wife. What happened?”

This was the first time that Freddie had ever asked about his personal life outside of Farnsworth in much depth, but after the insight he had just shared himself, Conrad felt obligated to dig deep and reciprocate. He let out a deep sigh and then began his own exposition.

“I guess if I had to point to one thing, it’s that we didn’t know each other well enough when we got married,” Conrad began. “We were both in our early 30’s when he got hitched and looking to start a family sooner rather than later. We were both more focused on that goal rather than understanding the other things we wanted from a relationship and eventually a marriage.”

“So why did the wheels start coming off the cart?” Freddie inquired.

“First, let me be clear,” Conrad replied. “Part of this is my fault. I was so focused on building my career, on proving my parents wrong, on shutting up that nagging voice in my head, that I didn’t save enough energy to be a very good husband, and certainly not much of a father.”
“Your folks didn’t think you would be successful?” Freddie asked. “How is that possible with someone like you?”

“They thought I could make something out of myself,” Conrad said, “but just not in sports. They didn’t think it was a ‘serious’ way to make a living, and that I certainly couldn’t support a family working in sports administration. My mom, in particular, wanted me to be an accountant. Can you believe that? It was safe and secure, she told me. Business will always need accountants. You’re so good with numbers, she told me.”

“So why didn’t you go into accounting?” Freddie asked.

“Well, about a week after I graduated high school,” Conrad continued, “my dad died. He just keeled over in his truck one day from a heart attack. He smoked two packs of cigarettes a day, something I make a point of not doing myself. Anyway, I realized that life was too short to get pigeon holed into a career I didn’t particularly want to pursue. I knew from the time I was in junior high school I wanted to work in sports and, after seeing first hand how quickly life could end, I was determined I was gong to spend mine doing something I enjoyed. My mother never accepted the fact that I went against her advice and held it against me until the day she died two years ago.”

“Wow, that’s tough man,” Freddie said. “Hey, what’s wrong? You don’t look very comfortable.”

“I’ve been having spasms under my left shoulder blade,” Conrad replied. “I must have slept on it wrong. So anyway I had spent several years going in and out of relationships when a co-worker at EAPU introduced me to Camilla at a party. He was her cousin and knew that, like me, she was looking to settle down. We hit it off right away. She was hot, and looking into her eyes stirred a rumbling in my loins I had previously reserved for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. We dated for about six months before I proposed to her on New Year’s Eve. We got married the following May. It was all going to be happily ever after.”


“Was it ever good?” Freddie asked.

“Oh yeah,” Conrad quickly confirmed. “We had a lot of fun when we were together, and we really got into some wild monkey lovin’ underneath the sheets. Damn she was hot!”

Conrad drifted off for a moment, then Freddie asked, “so what changed things.”

“We waited a year, then tried to get pregnant. I knocked her up pretty quick, but she miscarried. After another year she got pregnant again, then miscarried. Finally, on the third try we had Connie, who was a beautiful, healthy little baby girl.

Despite that, Camilla was never the same after the miscarriages. We didn’t have fun that much anymore, even before Connie came into the picture. We went from making steaming passionate love to having ritualistic sex so I could try and plant my seed inside her. We both retreated away from each other and into our work. The more successful she became as a research scientist at Johns Hopkins, the more she resented the time I spent working at EAPU. Just like my mom, she did not treat that as a serious career path, and the more time I spent there, the less she respected me.”

“Boy, that’s got to be tough to live with someone who doesn’t respect you,” Freddie says.

“You’ve got that right, my furry friend,” Conrad replied. “She claims that losing my job at EAPU was the final straw for her, but I think she had been looking for an excuse to bail out and run back to mommy and daddy in San Diego for a while. She hated Baltimore and complained all the time about the environment she was trying to bring Connie up in. She may have tolerated our marriage a while longer if I had agreed to get a job out there, but I think that would have only put a band-aid on things. Eventually, our marriage would have bled to death.”

“What are you going to do about Connie,” Freddie asked.

“I don’t see much I can do,” Conrad said with a tone of resignation. “Camilla is right when she says I wasn’t much of a father. How could I be when I was seldom there? Ultimately, she’s better off with her mother and grandparents in San Diego. I just hope I can get another chance at being a father and try to do it right this time.”


A memorial service for Father Ferret was held at the chapel on the grounds of Farnsworth University, per his request before passing on. The service was scheduled to begin at 3:00 pm, but when Conrad and Gretchen arrived from the office at 2:30, all of the pews were completely filled. Classes had been cancelled that afternoon, and it appeared that most of the staff and many of the students had taken advantage of the opportunity to attend.

Conrad had noticed his shoulder continue to worsen, which now made standing in one place for any period of time uncomfortable to the point of being excruciating. He was determined to gut it out, though, and not be the only member of the Farnsworth Athletic Department not to show for the funeral.

It turned out Julius Rosencrantz was Jewish, so the service was officiated by Rabbi Ira Lewis from Midville’s B’nai Israel temple. It was easy to pick out Julius’ family, since they were the only group seated together wearing yarmulkes. Everyone else in attendance appeared to be a gentile.

As the pain in his shoulder worsened, Conrad found himself struggling to follow the details of the service. He did catch most of Mr. Farnsworth’s remarks, where he spoke of how Julius had almost single-handedly been responsible for developing school spirit at Farnsworth.

The Old Man talked about how Julius had taken the role of mascot and expanded it beyond his wildest dreams, and as a result was as responsible for the school becoming an integral part of the Midville community. He also shared stories of former and current students who had met Father Ferret when they were youngsters (he was called that even then, he did not want to be known as just ‘The Ferret) and thought about how cool it might be to attend Farnsworth when they were old enough. He also announced plans to rededicate the ferret statue outside Farnsworth Forum in Julius’s name.

Mr. Farnsworth’s comments were followed by the formal eulogy given by Freddie. Conrad strained to see if Freddie had a yarmulke on, but it appeared he did not. While the Old Man had put Father Ferret in the proper historical context from a “big picture” point of view, Freddie focused on the direct relationship between him and Julius.

Freddie spoke emotionally but eloquently, a feat that, according to what he had previously told Conrad, he would have been unlikely to do before being taken under Julius’ wing. Freddie’s comments were not quite as revealing as what he had shared with Conrad at Chaps and Spurs, but they still served to portray Julius as a kind and giving man who was responsible for turning Freddie’s life around.

As Freddie closed his remarks, he took out a black armband, strapped it around his left arm, and asked all Farnsworth athletes to wear one for the balance of the school year. Although Conrad wished Freddie had ran that by him first, he made a mental note to issue a department-wide e-mail supporting that request and turning it into policy.
The service concluded with the Farnsworth chorus giving a beautiful rendition of “Amazing Grace,” then the crowd slowly filed out. Conrad slowly made his way to the front of the chapel like the proverbial salmon swimming upstream to see Freddie. Finally reaching his friend, Conrad put his hand on his shoulder and said, “Excellent job, Freddie. I’m sure Father Ferret would have been deeply touched by your words.”

“Thanks, Conrad,” Freddie said. “That was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do.”

“Well, you did great,” Conrad added. “Where are you heading?”

“The Rosencratz family invited me to the wake, so I’m going to spend some time with them,” Freddie said.

“Good,” Conrad said. “I’ll see you whenever you get home.”

Conrad had planned on taking in the end of either the field hockey or women’s soccer games, but instead walked around campus lost in his thoughts. He had never met Father Ferret, but just watching such an outpouring of grief was very unsettling. It made the dozen or so people that gathered for his mother’s funeral seem even paltrier in contrast.

Like most people, Conrad had never dealt with death very well. Although he had been brought up in a catholic home, his faith had waned greatly over the years, making the thoughts of death even more troubling by diminishing the focus on a happy afterlife. He had lost so much over these past few weeks, he thought, and he was damned tired of it. As his shoulder continued to throb, he just felt very, very tired.