Part 1, Episode 6: "Media Daze"

“Is anyone else here?” Conrad asked Gretchen.

“No sir,” she replied, “just these two gentlemen from the Midville Star-Bulletin.”

Conrad didn’t know whether to feel relieved or disappointed. After Old Man Farnsworth’s unfortunate appearance on the previous day’s “Ferret Forum,” Conrad had braced himself to face a hoard of media vultures this morning. Seeing only two reporters from the local newspaper allayed that fear, but also made him wonder what WOULD have to happen to garner much attention from the press at Farnsworth. Maybe the Old Man would have to actually have a threesome on the air. “Good lord, don’t let the Old Man hear that,” Conrad thought, “he just might try it.”

Conrad then turned his attention to the two reporters. “Hi, I’m Conrad Kondratowicz. Come on in.” Conrad motioned the reporters to his office, where he plopped in his chair, now upright, behind his desk.

The oldest reporter, a 50-ish man with a burly figure and only faint remnants of a hairline, introduced himself. “I’m Buddy Wright, the sports editor at the Star-Bulletin. This is Jimmy Harris, our Farnsworth beat writer. I’m sure you’ll be seeing a lot of him.” Harris, a handsome young man who Conrad surmised was probably a recent college graduate, had tightly cropped sandy blonde hair and a serious, intense face. He nodded at Conrad when his boss introduced him.

Conrad, attempting to keep the mood light, asked Wright, “Does that mean I won’t have the pleasure of your company very often?”

Wright looked in Conrad’s general direction and replied, “Not if I can help it.”

“Boy, this guy is a real ball of fire,” Conrad thought. He then seized the initiative and began a dialogue with the reporters. “I suppose you want some comments on Mr. Farnsworth’s appearance on ‘Ferret Forum’ yesterday. Let me just say that while Mr. Farnsworth may lead a lifestyle that makes some people uncomfortable, it does not spill over into the philosophy of this school. Farnsworth University strives to attract the highest caliber of students, both academically and socially, and those principles are adhered to in the athletic department.”

The room fell silent for a moment, and then Wright spoke. “Nice speech, Conrad,” Wright said, “but that’s not what we’re here to talk about. Nobody around here thought much about what the Old Man said yesterday. We all know he’s a bit of a squirrel, but nobody gives a rat’s ass. He can do whatever he wants as long as he keeps sinking money into this school. As long as the kids and your little ferret friend keep their noses clean, there’s no story.”

Conrad sat back in his chair, stunned at what Wright told him. He thought this served as confirmation that he WAS in the Twilight Zone. Conrad just knew that Rod Serling himself would walk through the door any minute now. He gathered himself and asked, “OK then, why are you here?”

“Two things,” Write replied. “First, are you considering replacing Stump Williams? Second, how do you feel about the ferret being in a reality show?”

Stump Williams was the embattled football coach, or at least he’d be embattled if anybody really cared about football at Farnsworth except the Old Man. His four-year record of 4-36 (all wins over Galludet, the school for hearing impaired students) made this a valid question even if the new season hadn’t yet begun. “What is this about Freddie,” Conrad wondered to himself?

“Well, regarding Coach Williams,” Conrad responded, “I’m going to be looking closely at the progress of the football team this season. Mr. Farnsworth has big plans for the football program here, and that means we have to beat somebody other than Galludet. I’ll need to see the season play out before we make a move.”

“That means another crappy football season to suffer through, then,” Wright said. “What about the ferret?”

“What about him?” Conrad stalled.

“You know he’s going to be on television tonight. Fox signed him up for another one of those stupid reality shows. What comment do you have about that?”

“I don’t think it’s fair to make any comment about it until I’ve seen it,” trying not to tip off that he had no idea what Wright was talking about. “Like everything else he’s done, I’m sure Freddie represents himself and the school very well.”

“Well, this has been a waste of time.” Wright said. “Come on Harris, let’s roll.” Wright stood up and headed out the door without looking back to Conrad.

“Nice meeting you,” Conrad called out to the exiting Wright.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Wright responded as he schlepped out the door.

“Conrad, I don’t know if you remember me,” Harris said, hanging back for a moment, “but I graduated from EAPU and covered the Ravens for the school paper.”

“Yeah,” Conrad replied, “I thought the name sounded familiar. I liked to keep up with ‘As the Raven Flies,’ it gave me a good handle on the pulse of the student body. Congratulations. I look forward to working with you.” Conrad then extended his hand to Harris.

Harris met Conrad’s hand with a firm handshake. “Same here, Conrad. Hey, I hear you might be getting a commitment from Johnny Moran. Good luck with that.”

Moran was possibly the best basketball player to ever come from the Midville area, and it looked like he might be playing at Farnsworth next year. As long as something didn’t happen to mess it up, Conrad thought.

Following his nightly pilgrimage to Galaxy Burger, Conrad arrived home to see Freddie running in his wheel with more gusto than usual. “What’s got you so excited?” Conrad asked.

“Big night, buddy,” Freddie puffed, apparently having been on the wheel for a while. “Tonight’s my network television debut!”

“So I hear,” Conrad replied. “Wanna tell me about it?”

“Sure, just let me finish up here and grab a quick shower. If a couple of young ladies knock at the door, let them in and be charming until I come out. Then I’ll take over. I invited them over to watch the show tonight.”

“You are a furry gigolo. You don’t have any male friends, do you?”

“Just you, Conrad. There’s only so much of me to go around, so I’ve had to chose who I wanted to spend my time with, a bunch of guys hanging around a bar getting drunk or young ladies that want to crawl inside my fur. What do you think?”

“I think you made the right call, Freddie,” a bemused Conrad replied as he sat down to devour his Super Star combo (no cheese, only ketchup).

While Freddie was still primping himself for the evening, Conrad heard a knock at the door. He shoved down the last bite of his Super Star Burger as he walked toward the door. Opening it, he found two lovely co-eds who were overdressed for a night of watching television. “Sharp looking ladies,” Conrad thought as he prepared to welcome them.

“Hi ladies. I’m Conrad, Freddie’s roommate. Come on in and make yourselves comfortable. He’ll be out shortly.”

“Hi! I’m Lola!” the blonde bubbled.

“I’m Lorna! We’re sisters! Nice to meet you sir,” the brunette added.

Conrad winced involuntarily, still not fully adjusted to the fact that he was twice as old as most college students, thereby making a salutation of “sir” appropriate, although still depressing.

“It’s my pleasure. Freddie asked me to be charming while you ladies were waiting, but I’m afraid that would be a poor opening act for the evening’s festivities. Why don’t I just make like a host and offer you something to drink?”

The girls looked at each other for a moment when Lorna shyly asked “How ‘bout a beer?”

Conrad estimated their ages at between 18-20 years old, and he quickly decided he did not need a charge of serving alcohol to minors added to his recent transgressions, real or perceived.

“How about some iced tea instead?” Conrad politely replied, trying not to sound like an administrator or parent.

Lola and Lorna exhaled and told him that would be fine. They sat with Conrad while he watched Sports Center until Freddie made his entrance.

“Who wants to rub up against some fur?” Freddie asked, spreading his arms open to their full wing span upon entering the living area. Conrad shot his hand into the air until Freddie’s glare suggested he return it to the armrest of his chair. Lola and Lorna jumped up and bounced over to embrace Freddie.

The mask of his outfit was shaped in such a way that his lips could be seen, and therefore kissed. The girls took turns swapping spit with Freddie until he said, “That’s enough for now, girls. We’ve got to get ready for my network debut!” The sisters squealed and sat to either side of Freddie on the couch. Conrad, off to one side sitting in his recliner, put his hand over his mouth to muffle his laughter.

Freddie explained to Conrad and his guests the premise of the show. Once they heard the title, “My Big Furry Fiancée,” it wasn’t hard to figure out. This was another reality show where a beautiful young girl brought home an unconventional man and tried to convince her family that she truly wanted to marry him. They weren’t really getting married-they only had to fool her family into thinking that to win a million dollars. Tonight was the first of three episodes, which had been filmed over the summer.

Conrad had prided himself over the years in avoiding the trend toward getting hooked on stupid reality shows. It helped that he did not have much time to budget for television, and most of that was taken up with sports. He had to admit, though, that he probably would have at least sampled this show even if he did not know Freddie. Watching a girl bring home a guy in a ferret suit as her fiancé did seem to have plenty of potential for entertainment.

Freddie’s partner in this attempted deception was a college student named Julie. She was a southern California native and attended UCLA. Her family was quite well off financially. Her father was an attorney and her mother was a professor at Loyola Marymount University. She had two older brothers, one attending law school, the other a computer software salesman.

The first half of the opening episode provided the expected conflict. Julie’s family was polite to Freddie’s face, even though they were clearly off-balance upon meeting him. Later, when Julie and Freddie had retired to their rooms, the venom toward what they perceived as their confused or rebellious daughter and the clown in a ferret suit provided some humorous scenes.

Shortly after the midway point of the program, the cameras found Freddie and Julie alone in their separate rooms. Freddie spoke about how beautiful and sweet Julie was and how he hoped they could still be friends after this game was over. Julie, however, was anything but sweet in her comments about Freddie.

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to convince my family that I want to marry some loser in a ferret suit! They know I have more sense than that! I’ll just have to make them think I’m rebelling against them, and maybe throw in how sorry I feel for him,” Julie told the camera and, as a result, America at large.

“I just hope he doesn’t get some crazy idea like there is actually something between us. Eeewww! He really creeps me out! My skin wants to crawl when he touches me with that stupid suit. I just don’t get what would make someone wear a ferret suit all the time. He can’t be right in the head, can he?”

The program cut to a commercial after those comments, and the room fell silent. Lorna perked up, “What a BITCH! If she had made any effort to know you, Freddie, she would have found out how wonderful you are!”

Lola added, “How DARE that bleach blonde bitch dump on you like that! I want to scratch her face off! You deserve a lot better than that, Freddie!”

“She’s right, Freddie, “Conrad added in a calm, soothing tone. “You deserve a lot better than that.” He watched his ferret friend sit erect with his arms folded for several minutes before gradually unwinding and holding the girls close to him again.

The rest of the episode focused on setting up Julie’s “impossible mission” in trying to convince her family that she had taken leave of her senses. Freddie shared with Conrad and the girls how the producers had tried to push him into acting more “ferret-like.” Instructions he had refused to follow included trying to dig a hold in Julie’s parent’s garden and chasing their family poodle as if he was stalking it for food, which ferrets didn’t do anyway.

As the program ended, Freddie stood up, motioned toward his room, and said, “Ladies, why don’t you go in and make yourself at home. I’ll be with you in just a minute. The sisters stood up, gave Freddie a quick hug, then bounced toward his room.

Freddie stood looking at Conrad, who was already in full channel surfing mode. When Conrad finally noticed his friend, he asked “Something on your mind, Freddie?”

“Yeah. Can I ask you something and get a straight answer from you?”

“Sure. Fire away.”

“Do you think I embarrassed the school by doing that show? Do you think I embarrassed myself?”

Conrad pondered his answer for a moment, then responded. “I don’t think you embarrassed anyone, Freddie. Now this might not have been the best career move you could have made, but I assure you that you don’t owe an apology to anyone.”

Freddie stood for a moment, looking down at his feet. “What Julie said about me really hurt. Is that how people think of me-that I must be crazy or impaired?”

“You’ve gotta admit that a guy wearing a ferret suit 24/7 is waaay off the beaten path,” Conrad replied. “The mistake Julie made, and I’m sure other people make, is judging you by the suit and not getting to know the man inside of it. The students here at Farnsworth, the people in Midville, many of them HAVE made the effort, and they LOVE you. I’ve only known you for a short time and I’ve already figured out that what Julie spewed out was a load of crap.”

“You really think that?” Freddie sheepishly asked.

“I know it. Now go unwind with your lady friends and do try to keep it down to a dull roar tonight, OK?”

“You got it. Thanks.” Freddie then walked over to Conrad, who was also standing by now, and shook his hand. He then moved a couple of steps away, then surprised Conrad by returning for a quick hug.

“Hey Freddie,” Conrad asked as Freddie was reaching for the door knob to his room, “did you win the money?”

“Sure did!”

“I’m not surprised. You are one smooth Ferret. So what did you do, invest it?”

“A little bit, but I gave most of it back to the school.”

“What!”

“Yeah, without good ‘ol FU there wouldn’t be Freddie Ferret, so I thought the school should get the biggest chunk of my half.”

Conrad could see that his furry friend did not want to make a big deal out of his generosity so he did not ask any more questions. As Freddie slipped into his room, Conrad pondered what a fascinating ferret, er, person, his roommate was.

Within moments, Conrad heard giggling coming from inside Freddie’s room and the phone ringing. He had been waiting all evening for a call from men’s basketball coach Ron Knight confirming they had received the commitment from Jimmy Moran. After answering the phone, Conrad heard three magic words, “We got him!” Knight had just finished talking to Moran and quickly passed along the good news.

“Great work coach,” Conrad said while pumping his fist with his spare hand. “Congratulations! Just call Gabe and have him put out a press release. We should still have enough time to make the morning papers,” Conrad responded.

“Will do, Conrad!” replied the exuberant Knight. “I’ll talk to you in the morning.”

“OK Ron. Good job,” Conrad responded. He then shut off the television and proceeded to his room, wondering if he remembered the last time he ended a day with such a warm fuzzy feeling.